Category: Safe Haven
hey guys.
i am writing to ask a couple of questions reguarding greef etc.
my grandad has just been given 3 to 6 weeks to live by his doctors, and as much as i hate to say it i know it can't be long now.
naturally he does not want to talk about it, though we still have a lot to arange. what music he wants at his funeral, the will etc.
so my questions to you:
1. how can we talk to him (perhaps with out mentioning death) but still know what he wants so that we do it just perfict?. we don't want to upset him, yet we want to give him what he wants (after all, that's what he's always done for us)
and 2: when someone's gone, how do you cope with the greef and all the after arangements?
Hey,
I'm so sorry to hear your news, that's really rubbish.
As far as your first question goes, I would say that you've just answered it yourself. Why don't you say exactly what you have written? That you don't want to upset him, but you want to make sure that he has what he wants because he's always been there for you. Why not try writing him a letter?
As far as the second question goes, I'm afraid that noone can answer that for you. You will just cope how you can, and only you will know how. Everyone deals with things in different ways. Some shut down, some keep busy. You won't know how to cope until you are already coping, and you probably won't know how you did it afterwards, you will just know that you got through.
Take care
Personally, I like to write my thoughts and feelings down. That's how I cope with grief. Sometimes I have a hard time getting started, and I rarely ever show it to anyone, but writing is definitely my therapy.
BTW, I'm very sorry to hear your news. Best of luck, and just remember that you have friends.
If your granddad wants to have a say in his funeral arrangements, he'll say what he wants to happen when he feels ready to tell you. I wouldn't ask. Just wait to be told.
If he doesn't tell you, then remember him. Remember what he was interested in, and what he liked to do. Use your knowledge of him to influence the funeral arrangements.
The funeral isn't just about your granddad. It's also about the experiences he shared with those in attendance, and how he made them feel. Some people may wish to share their memories of or funny stories about him.
I'm kind of caught between agreeing with Senior, and Sugar. Senior is right on one hand. If your grandfather wants a say in his own funeral arrangements, and there has been no talk of this in the past, then it is his responsibility to tell you what it is he wants done. You and your family can not be expected to read his mind. He may tell you when he is ready to do so. I know that sounds cold, and I sincerely apologize ,but there's no good way to put that into words, especially when they're being read by the cold voice of a screen reader.
However, Sugar makes a point. Many people, when they are approaching death, are very frightened of it. Your grandfather could be in denial, and maybe in his mind, as long as he doesn't talk about it, doesn't accept that it will happen, then it won't. Some people, in grief and/or fear, think they can hold off the inevitable simply by not talking about it or dealing with it in any way. If this is where he is at mentally and emotionally, he may require some help from the rest of you. In which case, Sugar has a good idea. Perhaps you or one of your family could write him a letter, saying pretty much what you said in your first board post. That seems the easiest way. It would give him time to digest what you've written, and then make his own choice about what he wants to do.
In the end, I'd say write the letter or try to approach him in some way. If he then chooses not to tell you his preferences, Senior is absolutely right.
As for dealing with your own grief, that is hard to answer. Journaling helps me deal with feelings, too. Find friends you can talk to. Sometimes it can be too painful to talk with one's family, so it's important to have someone outside the family to turn to. However, I also think it is important for a family to be able to share feelings and memories where they can. Each family is different. In short, talk, cry, laugh when you can. Communicate to those you are close to. Just dont' hold it all inside yourself for it to build up and get worse.